Vitality Stories

I’m Sorry

My house is clean

I’m still thinking about breakups thanks to my latest novel-in-progress, In the Doghouse, and I can’t help but think about what “I’m sorry” means to my characters.

“I’m sorry” is far reaching. These two words can cover condolences, empathy, regret, guilt, or even stand in for “excuse me.” And these two words can also be empty words and mean absolutely nothing.

In my lifetime, I’ve received apologies such as “I’m sorry for my part in that discussion.” I’m always confused by these apologies. They feel empty, unaccountable. What exactly is the person sorry about? Or does it mean the person is just sorry there was an argument, but he/she doesn’t regret what he/she said? And if so, why bother apologizing? Do some people say they are sorry just to move past an awkward stage with another person even though the issue is unresolved and will most likely come up again? When I was very young, someone told me never to say I’m sorry unless I mean it, and I suspect this has a lot to do with my skepticism when someone offers a generic one.

In my teens, I started identifying with my relationships–particularly within my family–as if each one was a house. To this day, I always ask myself, “Is my house clean with so-and-so?” Houses are always more comfortable and less draining when they are maintained, uncluttered, and clean — at least I think so.

If I feel I’ve left any words unspoken about an incident or interaction with someone–whether it’s a sincere apology from me, words of concern, or words of love from me–I go out of my way to speak up and to keep my house clean with the person. My Clean House Philosophy also helps me avoid regrets: regrets that someone doesn’t know I love or appreciate them.

But what I won’t do is apologize when I’m not sorry.

If you get an “I’m sorry” from me, it will be in detail, and it will be genuine. My apology will be something like, “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize how much pain you were feeling last month, and I wish I would have let you vent and that I would have offered you a hug instead of getting frustrated and storming off when you weren’t ready to talk to me.” Or maybe it could be, “I’m sorry I got so defensive when you told me I was insensitive about (XYZ).”

I will never say, “I’m sorry for my part in that.” I’ll be clear and accountable, and I won’t water-down my apology by attaching part of the blame to you.

What does “I’m sorry” mean to you and how do you offer an apology? Please email me because I’d love to learn more about–and from–you.

Next week, I’ll share one of my personal–and biggest–lessons about intentions and responses — a lesson I learned from one of my break-ups.

As always, thanks for being you and welcome to 2017!

Teri