I'm thinking about breakups

Vitality Stories

Teri Case Vitality Stories Breakups

I’m Thinking About Breakups

In the Doghouse

I’m writing my latest novel, In the Doghouse, and the story involves a couple who is questioning their relationship and individual happiness. There’s actually a much better angle to this story, but as a new writer, I feel a bit fragile discussing an idea during the first draft so as soon as I’m done with this round, I’ll tell you all about In the Doghouse.

I find myself gravitating towards the honest struggle people face when their long-term relationship is ending, such as a loss of identity, or the unraveling of their dreams or expectations for their future. Right now, if someone is going through a breakup, they have my full attention. So when I went to get a smog check, I was easily pulled into a discussion with three men at the mechanic shop about their divorces.

If you think men don’t like to talk about relationships, find ones that have gone through a divorce and take a seat because time will stand still, work will stop (including the work on my car), and phones will go unanswered. And no, I didn’t initiate the discussion. A male customer noticed I was thumbing through a magazine featuring the Jolie-Pitt Split and that’s all it took for him to open up.

What started as one man’s story about his breakup that happened in the middle of a country western dance floor twenty years ago, was interrupted when the salesman overheard and said, “Oh you think that’s bad, let me tell you about my divorce in Oklahoma.” And then ten minutes into his experience, a mechanic entered and said, “Listen to this! My wife said she was just going to visit her parents in Florida and six months later, I got divorce papers!”

The conversation lasted for forty minutes. They were so excited to find someone who could relate, they interrupted each other constantly.

When I could get a word in, I asked, “In hindsight, when did your relationship start having problems?”

All three men said they didn’t see it coming. They each insisted that they had no idea their relationships were in trouble, and even now, that there was nothing different they could have done.

And then I asked, “Are you glad you divorced?” All three said yes. And then, “Are you glad your ex-wives made the decision to divorce, or do you wish, now, that you would have?” All three men were glad they didn’t initiate their divorces.

Breaking up is hard to do. People change, and life changing circumstances and events, health and timing play such huge roles in relationships. I get it. There are so many factors to consider such as regret, fear, love, children, finances, time invested, a loss of identity and so much more. Not everyone will agree with me, but I think it takes guts to put your health and happiness first and to end a relationship. I personally feel that staying in a relationship is sometimes selfish and a way for people to ignore huge issues, often at the expense of their children’s happiness. But every situation is different. I just read Liane Moriarty’s book, Truly Madly Guilty and “I choose my marriage” is a key theme (though not a spoiler) in this story. Sometimes choosing to save a marriage is the right choice.

What I most often hear when I talk to someone in a challenging relationship is “I’m hoping she will end it first,” or “I’m waiting for him to break up.” If you ask me, it’s a passive aggressive way to avoid regret. If you aren’t the one who breaks up, then it’s not your regret, right? The other person has to live with that decision. I’m guilty of feeling this way in a former relationship (and honestly, I’ve even had moments where I’ve hoped an employer would break up with me–aka fire me with a separation package–just so I wouldn’t have to decide if a career move would be best for me). But life is too short for us to wait for someone else to make a decision about our individual happiness, right? So why do some of us have such a hard time saying enough is enough? Is regret alone enough?

Thanks to the people who trust me with their stories, I’m beginning to appreciate that the fear of ending a relationship is bigger than the chance someone will regret losing an important person in his or her life. I think the driving fear is not knowing who we will be outside of the relationship. Familiarity is gone, shared dreams are disbanded, and all of a sudden the question isn’t if you want to stay in a relationship, it explodes into WHO AM I NOW?

What do you think? If you have any insight you’d like to share about breakups, you have my full attention.

Thank you for spending a part of your day with me as I share some of the thoughts circling around in my head as I write my new novel.

As always, thanks for being you.

Teri