Are you listening to me?

Vitality Stories

dosomething.org teri case vitality stories

Are You Listening To Me?

Are you a Knower or a Listener?

Several years ago I was having a water cooler discussion with a man at work. He said, “I’m trying to become a listener.”

I asked, “You mean a better listener?”

“No, a Listener,” he said.

He then explained how his wife is a Listener and he is a Knower and she is “smarter” as a result. His wife listens to and learns from people whereas he is so consumed with knowing what he’s talking about he’s only half-listening as he mentally readies his response–often in the form of an argument.

I realized I was more like him and less like his wife. I decided to become a Listener.

The result after several years? I understand people more. I no longer try to rush conversations (though when I’m really excited or inspired I slip and interrupt people–sorry!). On the flip side, I seldom have an immediate response and sometimes the person expects one. Sometimes because I’m truly listening, people have accused me of NOT listening and not being engaged. On phone calls, I’ve had people stop talking and ask, “Are you there?” because I’m not trying to butt in*. We are so used to rapidly giving and receiving opinions, we teach each other to stop listening.

My latest book, In the Doghouse, involves a couple’s breakup and I’ve been reading a lot about divorces. Poor communication is always on the lists of leading causes for divorce. In some cases, poor communication is a lack of communication and, at other times, includes a partner not liking how his, or her, partner communicates–it’s a difference in style such as being condescending, accusatory, or disruptive.

I wonder . . . how often do people in a relationship truly listen to each other? Or how often is the answer to saving a relationship, or appreciating it’s time to end one, right there in the conversation, only half of the party is so busy thinking about his, or her response they aren’t listening?

I’m going to forge on and do my best to remain a Listener and figure out how to make sure the person knows I’m engaged even though I don’t have an immediate response. I’m also going to keep working on those emotional moments where I tend to interrupt.

In the meantime, I’d enjoy learning if you are a Knower or a Listener and if you see a value in being one or the other in a particular situation?

As always, thanks for being you.

Teri

*or course, with technology and cellular calls being dropped, it’s a valid question! I’ve had full conversations thinking I had a Listener on the other end. LOL

photo credit to Dosomething.org