Teri Case

Vitality Stories

My Family is Full of It

Secrets & Urban Legends

Blame it on timing, social resources, world events, abuse, mental health, narcissism, addiction, guilt, shame, CYA, or simply several different perspectives about an incident, and my family is full of secrets, conflicting stories and urban legends. And at forty-six years old, I’m tired of guessing what’s true and what isn’t.

The truth is tricky because perception is all we have, and perception is reality, right? What each person perceives, they experience, and the experience can be a different experience than the person standing next to him/her, and if you hear something over and over and never check it, it morphs into “common sense”* even when “in truth” something doesn’t make sense at all. Judge Judy has a great line she often uses in her televised courtroom: “If it doesn’t make sense, something isn’t true.” Does this apply to everything that happens in this world? Maybe not. But within my family, I think Judge Judy’s philosophy works.

Some stories just don’t make sense.

I have limited sources for the stories I’ve heard over the years about my family members and my ancestors, and when you come from a family with parents from a generation that couldn’t and didn’t talk about anything, nothing is discussed openly–this lack of openness perpetuates the secrets and urban legends. Everything is a private discussion between two people, three people, here and there, and in our case–at times–over too much alcohol.

But even without alcohol, it’s like the classroom experiment from my youth where a sentence is whispered from student to student and by the time you reach the last person in the class, the story becomes distorted. The message has become a variation of the truth; enough truth for it to be believed, and enough mistakes or assumptions to make the story detrimental. The story becomes gossip.

But something changed for me this past year. For every family story, there is a key person. An alpha ‘character’ for the event. Some of these people have died so I can’t ask them. But many are alive. And I’m starting to reach out to each person involved and ask them what happened. It’s a slow and scary process because sometimes I worry I’m selfish on this quest.

So why did I wait until I was in my mid-forties to start asking? Ironically, it’s due to writing Tiger Drive.

 

Tiger Drive is fiction. Yes, the location exists in Carson City, Nevada, and yes, I did grow up in a trailer park on Tiger Drive, but the story is fiction. My book has archetypal characters that also exist in my family: characters who behave in a very certain and common way. For example, my dad was an alcoholic and could be physically abusive. In Tiger Drive, the husband, Harry, is abusive. What I have Harry do in the book is fiction, but it doesn’t mean that someone couldn’t argue that my dad also behaved in similar ways. The same goes for my mother and abused women.

An abusive husband and an abused wife are archetypes because if you read studies about domestic violence, or speak to abusers and abusees across this country, they will have a lot in common whether it’s how they view the world, marriage, family, or more. They act in anticipated ways. Don’t believe me? Watch the show COPS a few times.

In addition to my parents, I have other archetypes that exist in both my family and in Tiger Drive. To make sure I wasn’t accidentally telling a sibling’s truths in my novel, I recently asked them** about a time in their life. Not only was Tiger Drive not telling their truth, but I was floored to learn their truth. I can’t say much more at this time, but I can tell you this truth has shifted my understanding of this person and I’m closer to them than I have been in decades. It’s been a rewarding year for us on many levels. One day, when the time is right for my sibling, I hope to share more details.

And for this reason, no matter what happens with Tiger Drive–whether I traditionally publish, self-publish, or if it never becomes available to the public–writing it has been a catalyst for change and gratifying.

Over the coming year, I will share some humorous and not so humorous urban legends about my family–each as I get approval from my siblings, of course.

What is your philosophy about family secrets and urban legends? I appreciate family can be a sensitive subject, but if you’d like to share (or vent) your thoughts with me, please contact me. I will always keep your confidence.

I wish each of you a Happy and Healthy New Year. As always, thank you for being YOU and for spending time with me. I’ll see you in 2017!

Teri

* An incredible example of how generations can take an opinion or perception with little to no first-hand experience and make a “belief” seem like “common sense” over years, is  Hitler’s Willing Executioners: Ordinary Germans and the Holocaust. History shows that something as horrid and destructive as antisemitism can have zero foundation but become a family’s rule of “common sense.”
** I’m purposely not saying him or her

---