Vitality Stories

The Perfectly Imperfect State of Motherhood

Part 2

 

Aunthood isn’t in the dictionary

Last week I shared my perspective about motherhood and I committed to share my own experience about not having children.

I decided I didn’t want children for a variety of reasons all of which were perfect for me, but it’s not to say that I don’t adore children. Yes, I actually do have to add the last sentence because you wouldn’t believe how many people either assume I am childless due to health issues or because I must not like children. But the truth is, it was my personal choice—I didn’t want to have children.

One of my favorite exchanges went like this three years ago,

Female Co-worker: How many children do you have, Teri?

Me: (smiling) None.

Female Co-worker: (raised brows, sad eyes, puckered lips) Ooooohhhh, I’m sooooo sorry.

Me: I’m not.

Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the ‘Auntie Camp’ in her book, Committed, and on Super Soul Sunday. She suggests there are three kinds of women: “women who were born to be mothers; women who are born to be aunts; and women who shouldn’t be within a ten-foot radius of children.” She emphasizes the importance of figuring out which woman you will be because the wrong choice will be tragic.

 

Auntiedom: a chosen state

I dwell and blossom in Auntiedom—a state ruled by non-childbearing aunties who have the time, energy, and resources to have a special relationship with a child.

Once I was talking to my niece–let’s call her Ruby–when she was about seven years old. She asked, “Auntie, are you going to have a baby someday?” I was in my twenties and wasn’t up to explaining I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have children—I actually wasn’t talking to anyone about my doubts at that time—so I said, “If I do, I hope she is just like you.” And she asked, “But then will you still love me?”

In hindsight I made my decision that day.

In Auntiedom, we worry about the people we care about. We hope our nieces and nephews will find the path of least resistance to an independent, happy, and fulfilling life. We try to figure out how to impart what wisdom and insight we can while respecting the parental choices or boundaries set by our siblings or close friends. We can feel stronger connections to some nieces and nephews over others, and some of us might struggle with this non-egalitarian chemistry of the heart, at a loss for an explanation to why and how it happens. We hope we are striking the right balance of healthy love, fun, giggles, and indulgence. We ache when we don’t have the proper resources to do more for them, or when we can’t spend more time with them. And we laugh and cry with them in their victories while navigating this ever-changing society.

Mostly, we hope the gift of the relationship is mutually beneficial, and we strive to enrich their lives as much as they have enriched our own.

 

Auntship: a fine art

David Isay, founder of StoryCorps, sums up in one quote what I was hoping to illustrate with this newsletter, so I’ll value your time and use his words as a shortcut:

Two of the reasons I have the luxury of being an active and involved aunt, a woman working on her auntship, is because of 1-the women who choose to have children, and 2-the women who choose not to engage with children.

All women create the spectrum that allows women to have choices—they certainly created a space for me. Each woman adds value by making the right choice for her. What better way to love than to love one’s self first? And what better way to support one another than to open our arms to the perfect state of being a woman…Womanhood.

All women create the spectrum that allows women to have choices, and each woman adds value by making the right choice for her. What better way to love than to love ourselves first? And what better way to support one another than to open our arms to the perfect state of being a woman…Womanhood.

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Teri Case’s Vitality Stories Newsletter shares the life stories and lessons of the elderly, and individual interviews with people pursuing their passion.