Vitality Stories

The Perfectly Imperfect State of Motherhood

Part 1

Motherhood

It’s okay if you don’t like being a mom all the time.

Since I don’t have children—something I’ll write more about next time—my friends who are mothers feel comfortable sharing the range of their emotions about motherhood. The highs and the lows. The joy and the frustration. The exhilaration and the exhaustion.

Time to themselves and being able to talk is limited so given a chance, they need to leverage fortuitous baby naps and vent (after the unnecessary preface that they love their children more than life itself) about self-doubt and parental ineptitude, convinced they are the worst mother in the world, followed by tears and, “What was I thinking?” promptly self-edited to, “But don’t get me wrong, I love them more than any thing or one.” There’s the inevitable discussion about spats with the spouse and the need to start having ‘date nights’ to rekindle the flame. And each meltdown ends with, “I’m just so tired.”

I want to wrap them up in a cocoon and tell them to sleep for twenty-four hours, but I don’t because we both know that’s not an option. I’m always glad my friends call and I’m relieved they let it all out, knowing I’m not there to judge. So instead I say, “Vent. And when your children hit the terrible twos, and when they hit puberty, I’ll still have your back. Bring it on.” I’ve been taking calls for the last twenty years.

 

A picture catches a moment

I love self-aware mothers. It’s what makes them good parents in my opinion. There are so many social pressures to be the perfect mother raising an ideal child. It’s funny, I don’t think anyone expects humans to be flawless, but jeez, if you have a child be prepared for a change in expectations from family, friends, employers, strangers, and especially, yourself. There are some pretty unrealistic demands in motherhood including the ones set by the individual. Women should feel comfortable talking openly about this, but some don’t. One friend felt torn because, all at once, she felt becoming a mother was a gift and, yet, she missed the childless life she once lived. I don’t think she is alone in her very normal feelings, but there is some weariness in talking about it with other mothers, fearing a reaction such as, “What?! No, I’ve loved every minute of motherhood.” And the fear isn’t concerns about one mother judging another, but more about feelings of inadequacy. I do think this is slowly changing, but TV shows, and social media can provide a platform for perpetuation.

What’s posted on Facebook? A lot of pictures and statements depicting happy lives with model babies and moms. Children laughing, playing, swinging, blowing bubbles, and mom’s so ecstatic they have rainbows shooting out their…eyes. Ah, joie de vivre captured forever by 100 pixels per  square inch. Once a friend who had a newborn said,

Forget getting a decent picture, actually any picture, because I don’t have time to take any. I’m just too busy keeping my baby alive.

We both laughed because the truth is usually funny.

But it turns out social media can also provide an outlet. One of my friends recently posted this on Facebook:

Hey parents – instead of posting your “parent of the year” award family photos, can you please post some frustrating moments so that I feel better that I am incapable of successfully leaving the house with 2 kids on my own? After a baby meltdown, 2 tantrums and 2 time-outs, we left the house and got in the car (45 minutes later than I had planned) which is when I realized 5 minutes down the road that I forgot my wallet, my son had a diaper blow-out, and my daughter spilled an entire bottle of water in her lap. Awesome! We are back home where I just stuck my kid in front of the TV. I suck as a mother.

With this single post and her willingness to open up, my friend gave her friends permission to be human. She opened the door for some of the funniest confessions and pictures I’ve ever seen. For a few brief moments, no one started their story with “I love my child, but…” They could embrace themselves in all of the imperfect glory of parenthood. Her friends were able to pat themselves on the back. They didn’t feel alone in what can be a whacky but rewarding world. She created a little Facebook therapy for herself and other parents that day.

Another time, she posted,

Today is one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong, yet you manage to hold it together through all of it until you accidentally drop your tooth brush in the toilet and immediately burst into tears.

I suspect most people—parents or not—have experienced the highs and lows of their active and influential involvement in something they care deeply about whether it is a life, a project, a job, a performance, a choice…just about anything.

And based on the responses my friend received that day, she wasn’t the only mom, person, who’s had a bad day.

Mothers aren’t perfect. They’re perfectly human. MOM upside down spells WOW. Hug a mom some love.